🔮 September Horrorscopes: Fearfully Accurate Forecasts

As foreseen by The Cosmic Intern

I was only supposed to bring coffee… but the stars won’t stop talking to me. Now I’m stuck typing their cryptic, slightly rude messages into RaigeMag every month. These aren’t horoscopes — they’re Horrorscopes: oddly specific, uncomfortably accurate, and just unsettling enough to make you side-eye your own calendar.

Read on… if you dare.

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♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)

September brings you ambition — and a strange craving for pickles at 3 a.m. Don’t ignore it. You’ll overhear two people talking about you in a grocery store (aisle 5, near the canned soup). Pay attention to the color red this month — if you wear too much of it, you may accidentally summon your ex.

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♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re feeling steady, but the universe says: Don’t trust chairs. One will betray you this month in spectacular fashion. A turtle will cross your path around the 17th — he carries a message for you. Listen carefully. Also, someone is lying about liking your cooking.

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♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A text you send in September will haunt you — not because it’s embarrassing, but because autocorrect changes it into a prophecy. Double-check before hitting send. Expect a surprise bill, a stolen pen returned to you, and an awkward run-in at a gas station with someone who knows your secrets.

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♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will wake up from a dream about spaghetti. It will come true. You’ll be tempted to reorganize your furniture — don’t. The new layout invites restless spirits. A stranger in a blue jacket will ask you for directions; answer carefully, for the fate of your week hinges on it.

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♌ Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

Someone envies your hair. Guard it. This month, you’ll find a coin on the ground — don’t pick it up unless you’re ready for a three-day streak of bizarre luck. A friend will confess something shocking over iced coffee, but it won’t be about what you think. You’ll be blamed for a smell that isn’t yours.

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♍ Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Happy Birthday season, Virgo. 🎂 Expect cake — but also betrayal. An object you’ve misplaced will suddenly reappear in a place you swear you checked three times. Don’t question it. A fly buzzing around your room is actually an omen. Pay attention to the first song you hear in an elevator this month — it’s your September theme.

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♎ Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

You’re searching for balance, but the scales tip toward chaos. Don’t trust advice from anyone who uses the phrase “trust me.” You’ll get a phone call from an unknown number that feels… personal. Around the 25th, someone will offer you gum. Accept it — it prevents disaster.

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♏ Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You’re magnetic this month, Scorpio — like a cursed refrigerator. An old flame may slide into your DMs, but beware: their punctuation holds hidden meaning. Watch your keys; they want to escape you. On the 14th, a dog will stare at you too long. That’s when you’ll know the universe has chosen sides.

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♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Adventure calls, but so does your dentist. Don’t ignore either. A child will say something eerily accurate about your future — pretend to laugh, but take notes. A free drink comes your way, but beware the straw. If you smell lavender when no one else does, that’s your sign to leave the room immediately.

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♑ Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Work consumes you, Capricorn, but September demands you look up. Literally — something important is written on the ceiling. A package arrives with no return address; open carefully. An elevator conversation will change your perspective, but not for the better. Beware of spoons.

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♒ Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You’ll have a burst of creative genius — but it will strike at 4:07 a.m. Have a pen nearby. An email you almost delete contains an omen. You’ll be drawn to bodies of water, but resist wading in. Around the 20th, you’ll dream about an owl. It means more than you think.

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♓ Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Your intuition spikes this month — you’ll know things you shouldn’t. Don’t ignore the itch in your left ear; it’s a cosmic warning. A fish motif keeps appearing around you — count how many. A secret admirer leaves you a clue. It will be written in Comic Sans.

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🌒 That concludes September’s prophecies. Please don’t @ me when they come true — I just type what the void whispers while eating stale granola bars in the RaigeMag break room.

👤 About The Cosmic Intern
The Cosmic Intern was hired to fetch coffee and file paperwork, but instead was accidentally assigned to interpret the movements of the heavens. They’ve been stuck doing Horrorscopes ever since. Payment is rumored to be “exposure” and the occasional free crystal.